Thursday, March 31, 2011

Ying and Yang, Light and Dark, Real and Make Believe....

Ying and Yang, Light and Dark, Real and Make Believe.... they are all part of one. A single harmony consisting of the balance of opposites.

[cue: Polar Opposites from Modest Mouse].... linked right below :) x

This has been a struggle, a question, a wonderance of mine for the past few months... How to be my real self in and all. The good and the bad. Someone recently told me that when you know someone, you really only know a fraction, no matter how well or how long you have know them. I feel for myself, that is truly the case for everyone who has met me, never the less those whom I have met.
I want to be honest about myself, but I'm a complete mess! And I'd like to further my career, so being a mess isn't so allowed... or so I thought.
This would probably be more appropriate as a journal entry, but it's weighing on my mind so much these days and ties directly with this blog, I feel posting is acceptable decision. The best, maybe not, but acceptable none the less.
I originally called this blog "Excess" 'cause once upon a time, an English friend of mine said if he were to sum me up in one word that word would be "excess". I love my pleasures. The natural, the man made, the sweet, the savory, the spinning, the highs, the mellows, the pills, the drinks, the music, the art, imagination, work, plans, humanity.... On the flip side, I started this blog to promote and make aware the projects I'm beginning to be involved with.
The 2 don't necessarily go together, is my point, I suppose. Or they do... but only fragments of each. According to this, there's the educator in me, who loves working with small children, the traveler who has no money yet continues to see natural wonders, the vulnerable girl who misses her friends and family like crazy, the vagabond who seems to move at the drop of a dime, but missing is the darker half.
Maybe it's better that way?
I just saw some lyrics somewhere where all in caps it said, "Im passing out high fives to all those who can keep their own secrets." I believe it was Los Campesinos.
Something about that quote truly resonated with me.
The largest developmental battle I've been facing as of late is this: When occurrences or people make you unhappy, do you express your unhappiness in a polite and civilized manner, or do you change a bit of yourself to accept such hurdles and practice unconditional understanding and acceptance of all that is around you, since you are the only thing you have even the slightest bit of control over...? Or better put, the slightest right to have nay control over.
I'm not sure what I'm getting at.. I suppose I just feel it's appropriate to let it be known that life's not perfect. Especially not mine. I will always do my best to supply only the brightest of occurrences in the hopes that no one worries, no one is brought down by my words; and if life is simply our perception, to create a perception where beauty out weighs the negativity we are surrounded with many a times, be it from our personal dramas to the media to any other source of informatory matter.

I think I'll stop here. Hoping to obtain some photo editing software soon enough and put what Im trying to say into an album, as images are much more pleasing and informative than any of my words will ever be.

Polar Opposites

In the Now, to be in the Past, once a beer is ordered

"She went to see a Mystic who made medicine from rain
And gave up her existence to feel everything, dream others' dreams
Bid farewell to her family with one ecstatic wave (Please take care I love you all)
Out the window as the car rolled away
She just vanished into a thick mist of change"

"Hot Knives"  Bright Eyes

First time I've heard this song. It's sunny out. I'm in Laos hanging by the Mekong, allowing time to go by at its own pace. Should be leaving for home tomorrow to have another move. Same city (thank goodness!) but out of the ex-pat condo with the pool and air conditioning to a nice wooden house in a lovely wooded area near a lake that is surrounded by low mountain peaks. I'm excited for the change, but I can't shake a feeling of nervousness. Me? In the woods? With insects and dirt galore? My mother is probably having a laugh considering I've spent my whole adult life avoiding anything but major cities and exciting night life and when I lived with her (9 years ago!!!!! crazy...) I would not so silently bawl at the sight of a moth.

As for the current: Laos is beautiful! A friend and I took the slow boat from the border of Laos to Luang Probang- 2 days on the Mekong with a group of sweet foreigners who we drank and smoked and laughed with for the first rainy week there after. We then headed up to the mountains to Non Kuai and chilled out on our balcony overlooking another river, and some more mountain peaks. After that, I followed a friends advice, blindly, and ended up at an eco resort where everything is made from sustainable and recycled resources and marijuana plants bloomed just as naturally as the orchids and hundreds of mushrooms. My first hour in, the owner took my hand and lead me to a natural pool of rainwater. We smoked, stripped and went for a lovely swim, bathing with soap and then rinsing off with bucket showers. I stayed there for almost a week, enjoying the lack of electricity and cares. I then, finally, headed into Vientiane (the capital) to pick up my Thai visa and wait.... Not too sure for what exactly, but as my existence has proven to me thus far, time does most of the work for you. Patience is truly the art of human existence I think. Patience, trust, and positive intentions... i think...for now.

To a nice sunny day and a realm of possibilities- kisses.

Laos photo album to come- xx

Saturday, March 12, 2011

To the Future! Sentimentality securely sealed away, bring on the dancin shoes- xxx

Chai Popsicles and Chang Beer to ease me into the land of few showers and plenty of fresh air...

A song to walk to. Away and towards. I'm heading to Laos to rejoin the world of bar soap being a multifunctional tool and where natural beauty should mute all the doubts this modern world and all its expectations can place upon ones head.
I chose this song cause I've been lost in remembering lately. All the good friends, all the unbelievable times, the unthinkable moments...
Yesterday was the last day of school and I celebrated by going to the lake with a group of girls and the lovely Rich and then making a Samsong filled watermelon that Rich ingeniously put into the freezer. The days are filled with such beauty its hard to imagine I have time for sorrow, but I do miss my friends greatly and those unforgettable moments... 

Moments Anew:

an album of the last 3 days...


Tuesday, March 8, 2011

the should's versus the do's

I Should be writing my report cards... I Am, typing this entry instead...
I feel there is SO much to say every moment, I can't keep up! Hahaha- I feel ridiculously blessed that this is the way things are, however, I wish there was a way to bottle it up, stop time, open the bottle, create, start time again and repeat the necessary steps to attain the worlds I want.

Yesterdays highlight was a video my friend posted on my FB wall that made me burst into quiet tears while at work. I left immideately after watching it, grabbed my spray cans from home, jumped back onto my bike and headed for this abandoned bar/warehouse I've been eyeing since I moved here. The space was incredible! 3 or 4 stories, an open roof top an old stage, beautiful grafiti art and windows galore!
I made him a quick DIY video to solidify the fact I was thinking of him and then decided to tag my Thai name in one spot on the roof. That name is Dok Mai which means Garden. While in China we dissected my name "Patricia Hagen" and found Patricia means Loyal and Hagen means Garden making my Chinese name  Zhōng Chéng Huā Yuán or for short Hua Hua. So in Thailand, I only found it natural to keep the tradition, plus my tattoos do most of the explaining for the reason of its choosing.
As for right now.... there's a lot going on at work. It's the last week and report cards are due, summer school needs planning, creating and implementing, my employers have a whole world on their plate, I have 3 new children this week and my assistant is leaving early to head back to Germany.
BUT, a good friend is in town easing my worries and keeping me sane. I wish I had more fun to post as there's SO much of it. But the sun's going down, and my boss and I are heading out for drinks... her name's Air, by the way. Air and Dan. Much more friends than empolyers...

Cheers- Chok Di! (cheers in thai) xxxx